Own the Cheese

Dear Mum,

Happy Wednesday!

It’s that time of year again. Although maybe that’s not accurate, this happens roughly eight times a year…

It’s that time of 1.5 months again.

Assessment time. *dramatic music*

We have these things at our school called CATs, which stands for ‘common assessment task,’ so if you were picturing an adorable kitten, sorry.

Actually, have one. I think we all need it.


Bowties are cool.


So they’ve decided that during CAT season, we should probably also do NAPLAN (I’m not shouting at you, they’re just acronyms).

Of course.


My friends and I have decided that the teachers are plotting against us.

Our Version of What Happens in the Staffroom

The bell goes for recess. Classrooms empty, hallways flood, and teachers run through the madness to the safety of their lair…

                The staffroom. *more dramatic music*

Enter English Teacher.

English Teacher:

You know, I think we’ve been letting the kids off too easy. I mean they’ve only got one CAT in each subject. I’m thinking of giving them two. At the same time. What do you guys think?

Humanities Teacher:

(Digging through a staff-only chocolate stash.)

That sounds like a fabulous idea. Oh, I know, how about I give them a 50 page paper on the Aztecs. We’re learning about WWII at the moment, so they’ll have no clue!

Maths Teacher:

Guys. Guys I have an idea.

English Teacher:

(Take a snickers from Humanities Teacher.)


Maths Teacher:

Let’s make all of it due in the same week as NAPLAN.

Humanities Teacher:

You know, that is the most genius thing I’ve ever heard. And I’ve got Rose Evans in my class, so that’s saying something.


(Evil laugh)


But I mean the teachers aren’t all evil. Like me and my English teacher have been emailing drafts of assessment tasks back and forth and back and forth and ba-

Ok, you get it.

Upon asking for help with rhyming because whenever I tried to include it in my work it was cheesier than the sandwich you just made me, she replied,

‘Yeah, I agree that rhyming often sounds cheesy, and the only solution is to just use it super sparingly and almost obviously, as though you are owning the cheese.’


I need ‘own the cheese’ on a t-shirt.

Anyway. Assessment. NAPLAN. Funny thing that happened in class today.

We were doing reading NAPLAN, which is where you read a piece of text that is more boring than one of Professor Binns’ lectures, and answer multiple choice questions about what we just read.

We had sixty-five minutes to do this. The vast majority of us finished in twenty.

The teacher tells us to check our work.


Three times.

Then eventually tells us to just sit still.

Asking a class of year nine students to sit still for 45 minutes is like asking a class of year nine students to sit still for 45 minutes.

Not going to happen.

We got a little rowdy (well, as rowdy as you can under exam conditions. We just pulled faces at each other and built pencil sharpener towers) and the teacher started dishing out detentions, because when they’re not setting homework that’s what they do.

Like six kids got detentions, and most of them didn’t do anything. The one who was causing all the ‘trouble’ got away scot-free.

When we left the classroom we ran straight into our home group teacher/house leader/Professor McGonagall and ND (I’m using initials), who is traditionally the trouble maker (but not this time, I don’t know why he got in trouble, I was sitting next to him and he did nothing) says,

‘I got another detention.’

The other kids also tell Professor McGonagall about the injustice and she makes a face like is this what happens when I leave for three seconds? Yikes.

So a bunch of our class picked up rubbish at lunch while EB, the one who did everything, looks on.

Also, there was a huntsman on one of the gym mats in gymnastics. I was the only one who didn’t scream and run to the other side of the basketball court. It was hilarious.

Anyway, this is really long. Now you know how I feel in double maths.


❤ Rose


Shout out to all English teachers everywhere. Well done. You’re great. #ownthecheese2016




About Rose E

Hi, my name's Rose and sometimes I make things.
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